I dont know what I will write here, or how I am going to begin. I just need to say what I need to say because I cant hold it inside anymore. Recent months have been agony for me. People wont know how much. I have hated myself, I have cried, I have hard dark thoughts and several emotional breakdowns. Its just been so tough. My spouse has witnessed all of this and been a comfort. Nothing matters anymore though, nothing is enough, and I dont know what to do. It feels like these Reddit pages are my only possible outlet to say what I want so I am going to share this on them.

Before I say anything else, this isnt about Ahmadiyyat for me, or endless religion debates, or any of that. I dont care. I dont want to care. I have been removed from my old life, and the old people in the London Jamats I grew up with for years. I have my own life. At least I thought I did.

Everything I am about to say is about the current CASE and everything that is being said about it since the video leak. It is something I have been intimately associated from the beginning. I am not going to name the alleged victim or the alleged perpetrators, because unlike all the social media idiots who are using this for their own agendas, there is an ongoing case and everything said in public prejudices that. May be this will too. I dont know, I am not a lawyer. I dont know anything. I just cant stay silent anymore though.

I have chosen to say my piece now for many reasons. One is that I have suffered my own abuse in my life. Its different in kind but I know what its like not to be believed, to have to fend off stupid questions like why didnt you tell anyone and all of those kind of things, and I dont want that when all the stories and web of lies are revealed, and they will be, for this to ruin it for other people. I hate the fact that when everything comes out, all the keyboard warriors will scamper away, and forget about this, while their agendas will have done untold damage to the cause of other victims.

I have no love for anyone involved. Almost. I loved the fourth caliph very much. He loved me too and he was a good man. I once had love for N but I dont know what to think about her anymore. I dont have much to say about the current caliph because I never really got to know him and have gone whole years without even meeting him. Theres just always been a distance which I havent been able to bridge.

For now I am not going to reveal everything I know. If I feel I need to I will come forward with my real identity, maybe I will go to the police. I am not sure how this works legally. I could just give them the evidence I have and they can deal with it. It will be their problem then. I haven’t decided that yet. I will probably do nothing. Who knows.

Here is everything that I want to say for now. All of this is true and I am not the only person who knows these things. They are easily verified.

– A couple of years after the fourth caliph died N’s parents got divorced. It was very publicaly an unhappy marriage. Anyone who ever visited the old mission house saw that. mostly because of N’s “Baba”. After the divorce which happened in Pakistan N and one of her brothers chose to live with their dad in England, and the older brother stayed with their mum. I know lots of people encouraged N to live with her mother, but she always refused. She used to say the most vile and horrible things about her mum. You cant even imagine. That poor woman. I also know the current caliph told her to live with her mum too. But she didn’t listen to him either. This happened for years. She will tell you herself. Another time I remember her saying even if the caliph ordered her to live with her mum she wouldnt. There werent any accusations at the time. Her dad was a moron, but even I never suspected anything like this and N never hinted anything. I dont know the hidden truth. I just know she didnt listen to anyone and freely chose to live with her dad for years.

– N made her accusations in Spring. I dont know when exactly. She told me a little later than other people. She seemed happy with the response of her family and even said that when she told the caliph he got emotional. She said he was helping her and being her support. I know he spoke to her for months and she was happy with him. I dont know what went wrong. She never told me that. There were some of her cousins in Pakistan who she said werent being supportive. I just told her to ignore them. They needed time to adjust to the news and not everyone was going to believe her.

– I know that I didnt sleep properly for weeks after she told me these things. I couldnt handle it. I have suffered my own things in my life, but this was enormous. I couldnt come to terms with it. Even now sometimes when someone touches me I flinch. Its sickening to me.

– Something, somewhere along the line changed. The things she started saying became more threadbare. She even started making petty allegations against those supporting her. Stupid things. Then there were inconsistencies. The last time I spoke to her there were outright lies. There came a point where I could no longer lie to myself out of sense of obligation of believing the victim. She even began saying things about the fourth caliph whose name she is so happy to use now, not just to me but to other people. She really dragged him. Her supposedly beloved “Abba”. We would talk about it amongst ourselves. The whole thing became really uncomfortable. Once when she was raging about the fourth caliph I told her I couldnt listen to it anymore and shut her down. She was just lying, saying things she could say about him in public which she knew werent true. When I began to question her about the other accusations and the things that didnt make sense or add up she got angry with me and blocked me. We havent spoken since. Quite a few of us are blocked now. But our doubts were and are real. I know that after a while even those of her family who believed her stopped believing and she bagan to say things about them. Her problems with the current caliph started when he began to doubt too.

– I know that a police investigation has been lodged in Kingston or Sutton or one of these areas. I think its Kingston. I know the police have already interviewed some people. I know the police told her to not talk about the case to journalists or the press but shes not listening clearly, which feeds my doubts and makes me wonder how much justice she actually wants. When things started getting bad and more public, I spoke to a lawyer. The advice I got was to stay away. They didnt think I would be involved and they didnt think there was going to be case because it had already become too prejudiced mainly because of that idiot journalist she is talking to and the Youtube people. They are just using her and she is letting him. They dont care. None of them do. The prophethood guys or anyone. If they cared they wouldnt have been responsible and followed the procedures but they didnt. If they really want to help her why dont they pay for her lawyers or something like that instead of damaging the case.

– There were always red flags. N lied a lot to a lot of us quite a lot of the time. Mostly about money. But other things too like cheap gossip about everyone. When youve known someone that long you ignore a lot of their things but we all knew about the lies and exaggerations. But that was just N being N. I think she picked it up from her dad. We all of us overlooked a lot. She was from a broken home and N just has a way of patching things up with you again until the next set of lies. There were other weird things too. She is, at least was, randomly abusive to children. She would just hit them or torture them and then laugh about it and give them sweets. I never saw it, but she would sometimes laugh about the things that she would do the kids of her mums servants in Pakistan when she would go spend time with her. I would just try and change the subject. I should have called her out.

– I know its not just the caliph she has recorded. She has phone recordings of other people too including her friends. Are they friends. I dont know. But she does this a lot because everything about her is transactional and she cant even deny it because she has sent these voice recordings to a lot of us. I can easily share them but I dont want to be dirty about this. Less dirty than her anyway.

– I know that there are so many other people she isnt talking about. People she has tried to entrap or marriages she has ruined. A couple of years ago she tried to coerce a very famous vlogger (AR) into marrying her. She cant deny that because I have the messages. He cant deny it either. Let them try. I know that when the vlogger freaked out and tried to back away she said quite a lot of stuff about him too. He is another one who needs to watch his back and so do all the women whose husbands are friends with her. I could take so many names.

I cant deal with the lies anymore. I wish she had never told me any of this. I wish I had never known her or any of this. I hate msyelf. I am in so much agony, and so conflicted about writing all of this. My spouse knows everything and has seen all the messages and other disgusting things I cant even talk about. They have told me so many times I dont have to do this. They have seen all my emotional breakdowns. The whole thing is just a con trick. I cant keep it in anymore.

The thing I hate the most is that the truth, if anything like that exists will never really come out. I am no legal expert but I know the case is dead. Thats what the people who know have told me. And its dead because of N herself and these moron journalists and Youtubers. Even if they wanted to report on this stuff they could have done it without exploiting it. None of these people will have to live with this trauma like those of us close to everything will. They will just use N and move on to the next thing. I could share audios and screenshots myself here or anywhere I suppose, but for now I am not going to. Let N and her new found supporters and the alleged perpetrators deal with everything. They can all go to hell for all I care.

I very much loved the fourth caliph. I have so many insecurities and he was the only person who I felt ever believed in me. A beautiful man. I hate that this happening and seeing his name associated with this. The current caliph I dont really know. I have some sympathy for him because unless N was lying to us about the other stuff, he did try and help her. For a long time actually. Even before the allegations. I know he lost faith in her eventually, but thats a guilt a lot of us share.

Do not expect me to respond to any comments or questions. I wrote this for me and for the hatred I feel towards everything right now. I have said what I wanted to. Mostly anyway. There is nothing that can be done. But if these lies and deceptions harm future victims thats not on me. I have said my bit.